My journey through depression

Depression, often, is misunderstood to happen to someone who is facing unfathomable troubles in life. Wrong! It can happen to anyone, at anytime, and at any stage in our lives.

Though I knew from the start that what I was going through is something more than sadness, I chose to let the healing take place by itself. My symptoms included the typical ones like insomnia, anxiety, feeling worthless, helpless, hesitation to meet new people, breathless in public spaces, loss of appetite and hence weight loss, to name a few. Inspite of all this, I felt it was just a phase and did not open up to anyone.

But I did, rather, after a point (six months to be precise) I had to seek help. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and was advised counselling and medicines. My friends wondered “why her”? They had seen me leading a so called ‘perfect life’ with a beautiful little kid, very supportive husband, the bestest family, in-laws, friends and not even financial or health issues to worry about. But yup, shit happens out of the blue and for me, it was in the 25th year of my life.

Anybody who saw me then, could tell that i am physically weak but I covered my emotional problems mostly by camouflaging it with slightly curved smiles. The direct repercussions were felt by my husband and a friend who kept me close throughout, and just let me be. I wasn’t in a space to immediately be surrounded by people. I did, however, have my then almost three year old daughter stay with me. There were days when I couldn’t do much about her (we had help) and others when she proved medicine to me.

After almost three months of consistent counseling and follow ups, I could say that I was getting better. I became more functional,  could finally feel an appetite and was happier and could see changes come through.

Depression in its severe form can happen to anybody. With a lot of talks going around this sensitive issue, we are in a far better space than where we were a few years ago, in terms of awareness. The taboo, however, still exists. I am lucky to have had my immediate people understand its seriousness. Most importantly my old ones, had not an iota of ‘log kya kahenge’ and were concerned only about me. That helped me too.

You know yourself best. Don’t lie to your conscience. If you feel that you could be depressed, talk to your closest ones. Seek medical help if needed. Do everything that would help you come out of it. I say this because, being in a depressed state, after a while gets eerily comforting. Yes. And then, it takes all the more effort to pull yourself out of the pit.

And goes without saying – Two hoots to all the people who think that this state of mind is an equivalent to being dramatic and a way of ‘seeking’ attention. I hope you don’t have to experience it to empathize with it. It is horrific enough that I wouldn’t wish it even on Kim Jong Un!

How much is too much?

How much of emotions is too much of it? And how much is way too little? How do we express ourselves without coming across as melodramatic but where do we draw the line, without being labeled ‘cold’?

TBH, I don’t know the answers to any of these and lately, I’ve been seeking them.

I vent myself out through writing and this is the only space I’d rather be this way. ‘Cz when I am in front of other humans, I, mostly am poised. I like to smile, greet or slowly slip away from the frame.

Now, when it comes to my closed circle, however, I am another person altogether. I am jovial, chirpy, annoyingly frustrating and emotional (God bless all my friends).

I’ve two questions:

1) How much of letting out or venting to your closed circle is too much? Should you draw a line considering the listener’s psyche or just pour out?

2) Should you talk to the one who hurt you? Or should you just always empathize, forgive and let go?

I categorize myself into the second one. I prefer it that way. I prefer to understand, I prefer to take care, to put myself in the others shoes. But again, it does take a wee bit of toll on me. At times, I handle it and at times, I struggle with it.

Are we all in the same boat or are any of you from the clan whom I look up to? The ones who know where to draw a line to protect themselves first?

If yes, do temme your story 🙂

What is a perfect escape like?

How many of us are actually present in the present? Would you still be where you’re had you a choice or would you run away to where you feel your safe haven is? Also, what if you could run but there’s no where to go to, or worse, there’s no direction?

We all deal with emotions, don’t we? It’s the one thing from where, come what may, we simply have no escape from.

But as curious as I am, I’d wanted to know what a perfect escape would be? Do we move away from reality? Do we shun the truth and live a tale? Or less cowardice, do we bravely deal with the demons trying to chase us away?

Am in my late 20’s, lucky enough to have lived an envious life to the eyes of many. But there are times when I’ve had no control of the situation, and times when I’ve wanted to escape from it. They say, deal with your emotions, talk to the one who understands you. But what if you’re both lame adults who can’t put a finger on a possible solution?

Takes me to the most impossible conclusion but something that I wish I could do – go back to being a child, a child protected from all the vulnerabilities of this world and who is safely cradled in the arms of her mother.

Well, fantasizing an impossible solution gives me temporary relief but this adulting thing leaves me in a cliffhanger most times.

The Not so Picture Perfect Struggles of a New Mother 🤷

Yesterday, I came across Rachel McAdam’s now viral photo, which she’d shot for a breastfeeding campaign. The photo is empowering, and puts across an important point – that it is normal to breastfeed your new born ‘cz believe it or not, we are still frowned upon for this absolutely natural act even today!

In the picture, the actress looked fiercely stunning and may I add ‘perfect’ to say the least. She was decked up in Versace and Bulgari diamonds and made for a gorgeous 6 months old mother.

But while I totally support the cause, my thoughts immediately drifted to a time when I refused to take pics/being clicked at all, let alone empower others.

It’s been 5 years since Baby D and it’s taken me 5 years to put this pic out here.

Why? Well… I’d gained oodles of weight, I’d become mom to many new stretch marks as well, I had loose skin and had lost confidence in the way I was. But I kept those thoughts to myself for the longest time ‘cz being a new mum meant that I am to be solely devoted to my child and these thoughts don’t demand attention.

We see hundreds of Insta feeds of new mothers happily posing away with their lil ones. We see how ‘millennial mothers’ (including me) gush about perfect moments with their kids, going about their daily chores, being/trying to be picture perfect in-spite of those dark circles and new imperfections, that most-times, reality is sidelined. We’ve seen how Duchess Kate had her make-up on point, as she stepped out of St. Mary’s Hospital, hours after given birth to Prince George (how she managed that gracious act is beyond me.)

Anyway, we do talk about sleepless nights right? Like how parents don’t get to sleep enough and all that? But than regarding ‘sleeplessness’ as just another word, I’d like to give you it’s near perfect description.

Picture this – One goes to bed at night, wakes up an hour later ‘cz the baby is already hungry, feeds and cradles him to sleep. Half an hour later, up again, but this time to change diapers. This cycle could go on and on for a minimum of 2-3 rounds every night and most times during the day for the initial few months. Which means – a 6 hr nap time is far, faaaaaar away.

What effect does it have on the mom? Losing a bit of her sanity 🙍 in the process, but she’s socially conditioned to not speak out aloud about it ‘cz ‘that’s how mothers are supposed to be.’

Next up, looking in the mirror: I couldn’t make myself do that for some 3 months altogether. I’d gained 20 Kgs and I was looking more pumpkin than human. Weighing scales were a big no-no and how I struggled to lose those 20 easily makes for another blog.

And like all of this doesn’t take a huge toll by itself, countless opinions/suggestions come our way … Cz that’s what you do when you see a new mom/mom-to-be, right?

Every relative, every aunt, every friend and every passerby feels the need to school a new mother on what she should/shouldn’t do. How she should/shouldn’t hold the little one, whether she should/shouldn’t breastfeed, how formula affects the kid (I got a lot of that).

What they don’t however understand is that somehow every mother KNOWS what is best for her child and that that inbuilt manual comes along with childbirth 💁.

So, the next time you’re tempted to showcase your experience/advice with kids (unless asked) or tell her that she needs to reduce weight, kindly refrain from doing so.

‘Cz for someone who’s trying to juggle between feeling like a cow 🐮 (oh! you read that right), to taking every possible care of her LO, to doing her chores and brownie points 😐 if she has a paid job she has chosen not to part ways with, probably, you don’t want to advice this kick-ass woman.

Instead, try telling her what a good job she is doing while at it and who knows, that’s probably enough motivation for her to keep going through her day 😃

My miracle baby – Diya

It was the 30th of November in 2013, my 23rd birthday and coincidentally I was scheduled to have my anomaly scan that morning. (An anomaly scan is done anywhere between 19-21 weeks of pregnancy and gives insight into any possible birth defect in the unborn child).

The news about my pregnancy was not really a fairy tale to me. It took a while to sink in. The thought of a possible career break and the anxiety of being a young mother, slightly took me off balance. But I settled with the fact, soon enough.
During the scan, i was told that my AF level had gone dangerously low! A renowned doctor practising in a well-known hospital was our run to god for help. After 2 minutes of analysing my report, she told me as a matter of fact that my baby would not make it, that I be admitted and a D&C would be carried out as soon as the foetal heart beat stops.

I still don’t know how to explain the chain of emotions I went through following my appointment with her. From trying to put up a brave front, to supporting my husband and family, to actually trying to accept that I’ll have to have an abortion, to crying myself to sleep, I hadn’t felt such a splurge of emotions ever in my life until then, and I have thankfully not experienced anything even remotely that post the phase.

What followed were 5 days of CONTINUOUS movements in my tummy. I still feel that Diya was trying to reassure me that she is safe and fine. My disappointed doctor who was anticipating an abortion asked me to come back as soon as movements ceased. I never went back to her again!

I underwent a C-section during the 32nd week, my fluid level was continuously on the lower end but diya managed all throughout:).She came into this world weighing just about 1.5 kg and after a month of being in the NICU, we brought her home.

For anyone who knows Diya…she is the happiest kid there is and thankfully so. Now, when I look back at this whole chapter, I am glad that we made the right call. I am glad that we did not give in to science just because all odds were against us. I am glad that I had the best supporting system; my family and I am the happiest that me and diya were still a team back then and we successfully fought against all odds that kept her into coming into this world!

Emotional abuse.

Those of us who have been through it would know its severity.
Emotional abuse is as the dictionary describes it, a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting, or exposing, another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.
When in a relationship and fully committed to it, we tend to forgive the little things thrown our way . But what we fail to understand is the slight demarcation between an otherwise normal situation and an abusive one.
A friend of mine tells me about the emotional trauma her boyfriend put her through to an extent where she had to visit a psychologist. I asked her why she put up with him for over 4-5years inspite of such behaviour and she told me that it was because of her love for him and that he wasn’t like this earlier.
In the beginning of any new relationship, we tend to see the best in everything. What really matters is how different things are post the initial “honeymoon” phase because ultimately it is all that matters .
Emotional abuse is as severe as physical abuse. Being treated as an option, being blamed when you’re not at fault, being at the receiving end of sadistic mind games, being manipulated, made to feel unworthy, are all signs of an unhealthy situation. A real hero (gender neutral) protects you from such abuse rather than put you through it.
We fail to realise the severity of our situation, thinking of it as yet another misunderstanding/ fight . What follows will be silent prayers for this situation to pass , hoping for a brighter tomorrow .
But let me tell you a bitter truth. If a person finds satisfaction in emotionally hurting you, it is a trait characteristic of them and chances are that they will continue with it. Moving out of a relationship where you are emotionally invested is a herculean task. Thousands of individuals are helpless and trapped in such situations owing to circumstances. To them- communicate, let your kin know what you’re going through, seek help. For the majority of others , trying and moving beyond it is a choice we make for ourselves because at the end of the day we owe ourself a little dignity, a little self-respect and a little favour of being truly loved.

If anyone of you have been through it and succeeded in coming out of it, take a bow. For others , who feel that you are at the receiving end of such abuse, please garner energy to move on… I wouldn’t say that a better someone would come your way or the likes but eventually it’ll all be better because they say that time heals……

That friend who never stayed

We meet hundreds of new faces everyday. Some of them become acquaintances and friends, some of them remain strangers and yet a few special others become our besties, soulmates and all of which that can rather be felt than said.
Unfortunately for us, everything in life comes with an expiry date. Friendship too owing to innumerable reasons comes with an expiry. Few stand the test of time , few don’t. They tend to part ways just as quickly as they had made a mark in our lives. Misunderstanding, fights, time or even distance may have led to it. So what do we do? We all consciously or unconsciously try to reconcile things. Don’t we? Especially if that person was a huge part of our life… For a few of us who are lucky enough, things work out in our favour and we move forward just as it was before. But for a few others, things don’t seem to work out as it should be and it slowly dawns upon us that we are infact trying to reconcile with a stranger…

Now what do we do?
~~Take a deep breath, pull yourself together (easier said than done ) and Move on!!!

Like someone once rightly said, ” if it is meant to be, it will be”. If they are meant to come back, they will. Every person who walks into our life has a role to play , however small it maybe.
And surely it’d all have been so much easier if putting these words into practice didn’t require involvement of our heart!!!:)

For our love of shopping !

So I maybe sitting down and brooding over something and then I see a nice pair of earrings…..tadaaaa!!!! The next second you’ll see me smiling and checking the stuff out as though it’s all that ever mattered. The same applies to good clothes, bags and footwear!You see, shopping is the one thing that never ceases to lift my mood.:) Ring a bell anyone???😎

To all you guys out there, we girls (the majority of us) love dressing up, love accessorizing ourselves, love spending on all of it sans regret…. A little guilt “may” strike us later but we tend to forget that seeing the masterpiece we got ourself .
-Traveling to new places and finding exclusive jewellery/clothes from those areas is a hobby and we could spend hours and days doing just that!

– You may think that we have too many sandals but Nope! It can never be too many. We are still hunting for that one pair of cut shoes which we’ve been having in mind since time immortal.

-Our besties wedding , to us is as important as our own wedding. Cocktail, Mehendi, Sangeet, Haldi, Engagement and the wedding😱. All different attires and of course no compromises on anything.The planning for clothes and jewellery may take months, we may have sleepless nights till its all finalised so please bear with us….. It’s all very very normal.:)

– There maybe days when we eagerly go for shopping, spend hours in a mall and come back empty handed. Trust us! It’s not our fault. Blame it on lack of selection: |

– Take us shopping when we are down and low, there is nothing that retail therapy and good food can’t cure!!!

– And Yes, It’s always safe to gift us vouchers because chances are – IF we don’t like something , we don’t use it! ( Remember Rachel Green? She pretty much sums up all of us 😃).

Being clueless after +2 is not a crime! Not yet atleast!

There are those friends of mine who were damn clear right from the beginning as to where they want to be 10years down the lane and they are pretty much there already.This is dedicated to the few others like me, who maybe confused regarding their future right now.

My 12th grade was completed with an 8.8. It was quite a decent score then though ofcourse not anywhere near the “merit” quota in the country. I was happy with it too. But when the “what next” phase came in, I was in for a hitch, a hiccup and all of that.The obvious choice was to give entrance exams a try being a biomath student. Now… there are many students who attend years of entrance coaching and for me having attended just a SINGLE day of engineering crash course and obviously not being extraordinarily brilliant , clearing the exams seemed nowhere in the near future . I still did attempt 5 different tests for the sake of it but nothing significant came out of it.
The +2 results were out in May, and I sat at home with a million option in front of me but with absolutely no clarity.By July, while I was still figuring things out, my batchmates had already joined a few renowned institutes and a few of them had already started classes. Pressure started building up as I realized that I dint have much of an option left.

It was late in August that I sought admission in Sathyabama University as classes were yet to begin there and all other institutes were out of seats. I joined the department of bio-medical engineering. It wasn’t my dream to join this course. In fact I had no dreams at all then except to do well in what I get into.
My only condition was to join an engineering course which had no math , no computer and no electrical papers. (Yeah I was brilliant! ) Little did I know that any “engineering ” graduate has all of these subjects and more SEVERE ones to go through in our four year journey. So assuming that my least favourite subjects aren’t there in it , I chose bio-medical.

I fared pretty well through college, had an amazing time with friends, passed out with a job in hand at Cognizant inspite of no knowledge in computers . After Cognizant , Great Lakes happened and then I started my career as a freelance voice-over artist simultaneously completing my MBA.

It has been a rollercoaster ride so far and I know that I am not even half way through my journey. I am not even working in relation to anything my qualification reflects too.There are frequent confrontations with questions like, ” If this was the profession you wanted for yourself then why did you have to study so much?” and more such ones. Well, any degree in hand is an added bonus and I still know that I can go back to working full-time ( with a long sabbatical ofcourse) if need be. My being happy at work equals my being happy otherwise too.

Always always pursue a profession that you are truly passionate about. It makes life a lot easier to deal with. Believe me, going with the flow helps. Believe in your intuition and believe in your self. Sooner or not so much later, you will find that path which solely belongs to you:).

P.S : And whatever course you decide to pursue, have fun BUT make sure that you score well enough to have a degree in hand at the end of 4years. Arrears aren’t a sin yet but isn’t it easier to slog just once and clear the paper in the first attempt rather than repeat the slogging again for the same paper when you have all the remaining ones wickedly smiling back at you!

That rainy day…

That rainy day when I prayed that it stops pouring till I reach home,

That rainy day when we both had the same prayer in our mind,

That rainy day when we fought against all odds to be together,

That rainy day when you went out of your way to make me smile or rather “us” smile,

That rainy day has now been gone forever;
I know not if we’ll experience anything even remotely that ever again,

For all I know is that there was love in your eyes and promises in your hug which said “till death do us apart “.